Email this page to a Colleague
	Print this Page

Unleashing Your Remarkable Potential
Issue 4.27 - July 2, 2007 - ISSN: 1551-6571

In Kevin's Own Words

What to Do When People Don’t Like You

First, let me be clear, this article is not a how-to piece to get everyone to like you. While your life will be more enjoyable and satisfying when you have many strong relationships, sometimes as a leader people will not like you.

Why?

Because, as a leader, you are challenging their comfort zones, encouraging change and expecting improvement. It wouldn’t matter what you did or how you did it, when you expect more than status quo some people get rattled. And there are some on your team whose environment growing up led them not to trust “management” in any case. Most of the time, remember it isn’t about you at all, it’s about the role you represent.

But there are times when you are the real cause of the resistance – or more accurately how others view you. Think about it, have you ever resisted something just because of the person promoting or leading the change?

Often this type of resistance goes unresolved because its cause isn’t surfaced. This is a very personal type of resistance and sometimes hard to think about, but when you are addressing and exploring resistance you need to consider that this might be part of the issue.

Once you determine that the source of the resistance might be related to your relationship with the other person, here are five steps to help overcome that resistance, and perhaps improve your relationship as well.

The Five Steps

Ask if that is the issue. If you are working through resistance with someone and you suspect that relationship issues may be the cause of the resistance, ask if that’s the issue in a direct yet caring and open way. People will typically respect your directness (assuming you have asked tactfully). Sometimes people won’t even understand all of the sources of their own resistance themselves. In these cases asking this question may help them recognize the real cause of the resistance.

Ask this question from the perspective of the change or resistance. Remember (and let them know) that your purpose is only to explore the resistance. By keeping it focused on your ultimate goal you will be more successful and will lessen the likelihood that you (or they) will become defensive or hurt.

Just 5 more days to vote!

Help choose the best leadership blog of 2007. Review the eligible blogs, make your choice and enter to win a prize for yourself.

Talk about those relationship issues to determine root cause. If a person is open and says that they have a problem with you, your style or something else personal, explore those briefly. Sometimes there is a simple misunderstanding about something that can be resolved which will both lessen the resistance and improve the relationship all at once.

Address as appropriate. If the relationship issues can be resolved or a plan can be put in place to work on them, great! Remember though that this conversation is about reducing or resolving the resistance more than ‘fixing’ the relationship.

Separate the change effort from the relationship. This is the biggest key. Once you have identified that the resistance is due in part to the relationship, work with the person or group to segregate or divorce these two separate issues. Dealing with resistance can be challenging enough without multiple issues merged together. By helping the other person separate them (and separating them yourself) you can move forward more productively.

Discuss the other sources of resistance. Once you get mental separation, you can focus on the resistance and create greater mutual understanding and most likely be far more successful in managing the resistance – which is what you wanted to do at the start.

The benefits of dealing with relationship resistance in this way often go far beyond the exploration and resolution of the resistance. It can be the first step towards improving a working relationship, and perhaps even eliminating the “I don’t like you” feeling. Through a humble and open dialogue you hopefully can build the trust that ultimately builds a stronger relationship.

Potential Principle - Resistance can occur because of relationship issues. Your role isn’t to please everyone or have everyone like you. But as a leader, if you want to promote change and progress, recognizing this cause of resistance and working past it is critical to everyone’s success.

Kevin

Kevin's Recommends

Hostage At the Table: How Leaders Can Overcome Conflict, Influence Others, and Raise Performance
by George Kohlrieser

When I first received this book, based on the title and the author’s background as a hostage negotiator, I thought it would largely be about negotiations. There is some great stuff about negotiations in this book, but it isn’t the typical fare of past books I’ve read on negotiations. It isn’t about strategies or gambits to win a negotiation; it goes much deeper than that.

George is more than a hostage negotiator. He also is a former radio talk show host and a leading leadership professor in Europe. This breadth of his experience leads to a book full of great stories and anecdotes but also with a depth of philosophy that goes far beyond a specific approach to take to a negotiation. The chapter on the bonding cycle is of great value to all of us as leaders – giving you a model to think about how you create a bond with others regardless of the situation or relationship.

This book is truly about leadership and influence – if you are interested in either of these topics (and if you read this newsletter I’m confident that you are) this is a book you will enjoy a great deal.

You can learn more about the book at Amazon.com.

Home | About Kevin | Archive | My Subscription | Contact Us

If you find this information valuable, please pass it on to a friend. You can forward them the email or go to http://www.kevineikenberry.com/uypw/tell.asp to use our Tell A Friend tool.

If you received a forwarded copy of this newsletter and would like to subscribe for yourself, go to: http://www.kevineikenberry.com/uypw/subscribe.asp.

For information on reprinting any of this information included in this issue of Unleashing Your Remarkable Potential, go to: http://kevineikenberry.com/uypw/reprints.asp

© 2007 The Kevin Eikenberry Group – All Rights Reserved

The Kevin Eikenberry Group
http://www.kevineikenberry.com
7035 Bluffridge Way
Indianapolis, IN 46278